I don't know what's wrong with me lately.
Seems I have 9 billion different emotions that seem to come as quickly as I can force them to go.
I feel as if I'm going crazy, as if I should be medicated, as if I'm beginning to slowly come unraveled at any moment.
Just today, I've felt:
Grief, Loss, Happiness, Anger, Betrayal, Aggravation, Fear, Pride, Jealousy, Guilt, Self-Pity, Anticipation, Depression, Excitement.
Seems I have 9 billion different emotions that seem to come as quickly as I can force them to go.
I feel as if I'm going crazy, as if I should be medicated, as if I'm beginning to slowly come unraveled at any moment.
Just today, I've felt:
Grief, Loss, Happiness, Anger, Betrayal, Aggravation, Fear, Pride, Jealousy, Guilt, Self-Pity, Anticipation, Depression, Excitement.
How is it that we can be feeling a certain way, in the moment, and then suddenly something else happens and can morph everything into something totally different?
*I have a secret that I have to keep quiet and it's hard. *I have about $4000.00 in medical bills that taunt me monthly as I work to make payment arrangements due to recent gall bladder removal surgery.
*I lost something (before I ever got it) that was supposed to be coming to me. Someone else whined to who was in charge and ended up with it instead. When I asked the powers that be about it, they looked at me like I was nuts.
*Sometimes, I feel like I'm the mama and the daddy and that I shouldn't have to ask for help in my own house when the laundry is still in the floor on his side of the bed and he's whining because he has no clean clothes to wear to work.
*I have always been somebody who would rather just do it than ask for help, but that can be overwhelming. *I get aggravated when very smart students sit right under my nose and copy someone else's paper and then act like they cannot believe I would call them on the carpet for it and that they cannot believe I am making them take that paper home and get mama to sign it because they are getting a zero for cheating.
*I love my son--he's amazing, intelligent, and wonderful as well as stubborn, short-fused, and all boy.
*I miss my mammaw a lot this week. She left me her costume jewelry (by way of a sweet hand writen note left in her jewelry box) and yesterday afternoon for some reason or another, I found comfort in just sitting on my bed and playing with the old necklaces clip earrings, and bracelets.
*I feel a little guilty because I bought an extravagent item Saturday night at Michael's. I've been wanting it for awhile, but haven't bought it. I've not made anything with it yet and it's still sitting on my dining room table with the small flowers that I cut out of fabric (a total of 4) lying beside it. Why do I always do this?!
*I am nervous because I have the women's program at church tomorrow night, and even though I know what I want to do, I haven't taken the first step toward actually doing it--except for getting some cardboard delivered to the fellowship hall.
*I am pathetic.
*All I want to do when I get home from work is sit around and play mind-numbing games on Facebook or sew--being all by myself, in some type of self-created cocoon where I don't want my husband to come. I don't want him to touch me, to look at me, to hug me, to want me to kiss on him---nothing.
*I want my mama to stop calling me between 7:00 and 7:15 every morning while I'm in the shower wanting to know what I'm going to make for supper. Who cares mama??! How about this...what are YOU fixing? Now, can I finish my shower?
*I know I'm not very stable right now--that's obviously obvious. I know that my only way back up to the top of my emotions, is to grab hold of God's hands and beg Him to pull me out of all of this.
I have a grip on myself--I know when I'm about halfway gone. Please pray that I have good climbing gear on for the next couple of days---I'm sure going to need it.
*I have a secret that I have to keep quiet and it's hard. *I have about $4000.00 in medical bills that taunt me monthly as I work to make payment arrangements due to recent gall bladder removal surgery.
*I lost something (before I ever got it) that was supposed to be coming to me. Someone else whined to who was in charge and ended up with it instead. When I asked the powers that be about it, they looked at me like I was nuts.
*Sometimes, I feel like I'm the mama and the daddy and that I shouldn't have to ask for help in my own house when the laundry is still in the floor on his side of the bed and he's whining because he has no clean clothes to wear to work.
*I have always been somebody who would rather just do it than ask for help, but that can be overwhelming. *I get aggravated when very smart students sit right under my nose and copy someone else's paper and then act like they cannot believe I would call them on the carpet for it and that they cannot believe I am making them take that paper home and get mama to sign it because they are getting a zero for cheating.
*I love my son--he's amazing, intelligent, and wonderful as well as stubborn, short-fused, and all boy.
*I miss my mammaw a lot this week. She left me her costume jewelry (by way of a sweet hand writen note left in her jewelry box) and yesterday afternoon for some reason or another, I found comfort in just sitting on my bed and playing with the old necklaces clip earrings, and bracelets.
*I feel a little guilty because I bought an extravagent item Saturday night at Michael's. I've been wanting it for awhile, but haven't bought it. I've not made anything with it yet and it's still sitting on my dining room table with the small flowers that I cut out of fabric (a total of 4) lying beside it. Why do I always do this?!
*I am nervous because I have the women's program at church tomorrow night, and even though I know what I want to do, I haven't taken the first step toward actually doing it--except for getting some cardboard delivered to the fellowship hall.
*I am pathetic.
*All I want to do when I get home from work is sit around and play mind-numbing games on Facebook or sew--being all by myself, in some type of self-created cocoon where I don't want my husband to come. I don't want him to touch me, to look at me, to hug me, to want me to kiss on him---nothing.
*I want my mama to stop calling me between 7:00 and 7:15 every morning while I'm in the shower wanting to know what I'm going to make for supper. Who cares mama??! How about this...what are YOU fixing? Now, can I finish my shower?
*I know I'm not very stable right now--that's obviously obvious. I know that my only way back up to the top of my emotions, is to grab hold of God's hands and beg Him to pull me out of all of this.
I have a grip on myself--I know when I'm about halfway gone. Please pray that I have good climbing gear on for the next couple of days---I'm sure going to need it.
11 comments:
Oh Michelle my heart feels for you. It is so hard to be a Mom and wife and work outside the home and deal with hormones and changes in our lives. You are on the right track......let go and let God. I know from reading your blog you have the right climbing gear. Just pour your heart out and be real with the ladies at church. It is in our honesty that we seem to reach others. I will be praying for you and am anxiously awaiting to see how God works all of this out. Blessings Girl and hang on to that powerful hand of God......Blessings!
Hey boo.....you hit the nail on the head, you aren't just grieving you are still in mourning. I could recommend several books, but they have a common message...please cut yourself A LOT of slack and try not to feel guilty about not having your normal energy right now. When you're sad, cry, be with that pain - it's normal. God is still there, even when it feels like He isn't, and He understands if you're mad, even at Him for a moment. We all love you so much and I'm praying for you and the rest of y'all. Anna
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Hang in there Michelle, don't beat yourself up. We all have our up and downs but tomorrow is another day, pray it's a better day.
$4,000 that's huge! What in the world is your out of pocket max with insurance?
Hey sweetie, I don't know if anything I say will help but here it goes. You are doing your best to trust in God that is definetly something you are doing right, you are sharing how you are feeling with others and hopefully this will make you feel not so alone. It seems you are feeling alot of emotions that are normal that many people feel and you just have to let yourself feel how you feel and those that love you and know you best will understand and try to understand that this is your process of dealing with things in your life. I will pray for you and I hope you will be able to take something from one of these posts even if it is knowing you are not alone and find some comfort. The Lord loves you and even if we can't feel him sometimes we have faith and know he is there. Love ya girl
Oh! Man! Life is rough sometimes!! And right now, you're really feeling it!!
You have a right to be all those things you said! It's hard being the mom, wife, friend, daughter, etc....and sometimes it downright stinks!
But you hang on girl!! God will get you through it!!
that is completely normal after a loss, and who doesn't have the husband who can't see his laundry on the floor??? I sure do!!! If you feel any worse you can ck with your dr about some med. to help through, I'll be praying for you!!!
All I know is that "this too shall pass" and even though it's just four words and they don't feel like much they have helped me through my darkest times and I hope they bring you comfort as well.
Please take care of yourself.
Oh friend....don't know if it helps any or not, but you are not the only one feeling this way! My cousin/BFF and I had been talking about how we both had meltdowns/threw fits on the same day a week or so ago, over the whole "I NEED SOME HELP AROUND HERE!" thing, and then I read your blog. I showed it to her, and she said, "That's exactly how I feel!" And then another friend posted on FB the very same thing! So I don't know if it's something in the water or what! :-)
Seriously, you've been through a lot in the last few months, and you are still grieving, on top of all the day-to-day junk that we have to deal with as wives and mothers. And then there's the teacher aspect...I have been feeling really down about school this year. I am 15 years into this, and was thinking, "Lord, is it going to be like this for the rest of my career? Have I hit a mid-career slump?" But then I've talked to teachers from all over the state, and they're feeling the same way. Public education seems to be the whipping boy, at least in our state, and I'm sure y'all are experiencing some of the same stuff, thanks to federal mandates.
So anyway, I can relate to some of the things you're feeling. You're not alone in this. You've got sisters out there fighting the battle with you, but most importantly, we've got God! Hang in there, and keep climbing! I'll be praying for you!
Hey Michelle,
I know how you feel. I too have been going thru many different emotions and I feel so overwhelmed and have had a couple of meltdowns. Just keep trusting in Jesus and He will see you through.
I LOVE YOU :)
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