I don't know what's wrong with me lately.
Seems I have 9 billion different emotions that seem to come as quickly as I can force them to go.
I feel as if I'm going crazy, as if I should be medicated, as if I'm beginning to slowly come unraveled at any moment.
Just today, I've felt:
Grief, Loss, Happiness, Anger, Betrayal, Aggravation, Fear, Pride, Jealousy, Guilt, Self-Pity, Anticipation, Depression, Excitement.
How is it that we can be feeling a certain way, in the moment, and then suddenly something else happens and can morph everything into something totally different?
*I have a secret that I have to keep quiet and it's hard. *I have about $4000.00 in medical bills that taunt me monthly as I work to make payment arrangements due to recent gall bladder removal surgery.
*I lost something (before I ever got it) that was supposed to be coming to me. Someone else whined to who was in charge and ended up with it instead. When I asked the powers that be about it, they looked at me like I was nuts.
*Sometimes, I feel like I'm the mama and the daddy and that I shouldn't have to ask for help in my own house when the laundry is still in the floor on his side of the bed and he's whining because he has no clean clothes to wear to work.
*I have always been somebody who would rather just do it than ask for help, but that can be overwhelming. *I get aggravated when very smart students sit right under my nose and copy someone else's paper and then act like they cannot believe I would call them on the carpet for it and that they cannot believe I am making them take that paper home and get mama to sign it because they are getting a zero for cheating.
*I love my son--he's amazing, intelligent, and wonderful as well as stubborn, short-fused, and all boy.
*I miss my mammaw a lot this week. She left me her costume jewelry (by way of a sweet hand writen note left in her jewelry box) and yesterday afternoon for some reason or another, I found comfort in just sitting on my bed and playing with the old necklaces clip earrings, and bracelets.
*I feel a little guilty because I bought an extravagent item Saturday night at Michael's. I've been wanting it for awhile, but haven't bought it. I've not made anything with it yet and it's still sitting on my dining room table with the small flowers that I cut out of fabric (a total of 4) lying beside it. Why do I always do this?!
*I am nervous because I have the women's program at church tomorrow night, and even though I know what I want to do, I haven't taken the first step toward actually doing it--except for getting some cardboard delivered to the fellowship hall.
*I am pathetic.
*All I want to do when I get home from work is sit around and play mind-numbing games on Facebook or sew--being all by myself, in some type of self-created cocoon where I don't want my husband to come. I don't want him to touch me, to look at me, to hug me, to want me to kiss on him---nothing.
*I want my mama to stop calling me between 7:00 and 7:15 every morning while I'm in the shower wanting to know what I'm going to make for supper. Who cares mama??! How about this...what are YOU fixing? Now, can I finish my shower?
*I know I'm not very stable right now--that's obviously obvious. I know that my only way back up to the top of my emotions, is to grab hold of God's hands and beg Him to pull me out of all of this.
I have a grip on myself--I know when I'm about halfway gone. Please pray that I have good climbing gear on for the next couple of days---I'm sure going to need it.