Happy Birthday Lil R

Today is my baby's birthday! He's the BIG 3!
I took cupcakes and Kool-Aid to daycare this morning when I dropped him off.
He was so sweet because he was soo cuddly this morning. As I got up to go hop in the shower, he said, "Mama...could you please just stay here with me?"
It's so hard getting up out of the bed as it is, but when he looks at me with those big ole baby blue eyes, I could very easily stay in that bed! But, I hauled it out of the bed, got ready, and got both of us to school.
I've been debating this, but I thought some of you may be interested in our adoption journey. So, in honor of Lil R's birthday this week, I'm going to post how he became ours throughout the next few days.
Part I
It's 1996--May 18th to be exact.
I just buried my Pappaw Fred yesterday. I am devistated and he was my best friend. We were very very close and we did so much together.
I told Big Daddy that I am going off the pill today. I want to start our family since we've been married for a year and a half. I need something to fill the void of Pappaw not being here. I'm miserable without him.

It's now December 1996. We've been "trying" for the past six months or so with no luck. I make an appointment at an OB/GYN Dr. to get checked out. This is exactly what the dr. said: "You're too fat and you need to stop smoking or you're never going to be pregnant." My reply to the dr.: "Let's go right now to Wal-Mart down the road. I can find you about 3-5 women who are fatter than me and who smoke, who have kids. Please don't tell me that's all that's wrong with me."
That evening Big Daddy and I decided to make another appointment to see a different OB/GYN.

Fast forward a few months....
New Dr. says I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which means, I have multiple cysts on both ovaries that keeps me from ovulating.
Over the next few years I had many many tests, took lots of fertility drugs, had sugar tested, had dye injected into my tubes to check for blockages, had lots of uncomfortable pelvic ultrasound tests to check for ovulation, counted days, had shots, blah blah blah.

Nothing--and I mean NOTHING worked. If you know what an IUI is, we spent $900.00 on one of those only to find out that it was unsuccessful on Christmas Morning when my red-headed aunt flo showed up. ON CHRISTMAS MORNING? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
After this, I became very bitter and very angry with God. I knew He was in control and I knew "everything in His time" but I was tired of waiting and tired of praying the same prayer over and over again. All we wanted was to be blessed with a child--just one--we didn't feel that we were asking for too much?!
Mother's Day was PURE MISERY for me. On one in particular--I'm thinking around 2003, at church, they asked for all of the mothers to stand. I was sitting at the piano bench...just sitting. I felt such sorrow, such embarrassment, such shame. They passed out bookmarks or something--I can't remember. But I do remember that the people handing out the little "treats", just walked right by me like I wasn't even there....like I was invisible. I was so sad and I felt so sorry for myself.
Right after that, the regular service continued. After the choir sang, a really good friend of mine stood to sing a beautiful song for all of the mothers. I don't remember what the name of the song was, but I remember the lyrics saying something about, "All I ever wanted to do was be your mommy---tying your hair up in pretty pink ribbons," or something like that. I could not sit in that sanctuary for another second. I was crying so hard I was snorting and snotting, you know that kind, right? I had to leave and the whole church could hear me lose it. As I was outside, trying to get everything together, my mama came out too. She told me that if she could take it away, she would. We cried and slung snot, but I still didn't feel any better.

The following Mother's Day, Big Daddy and I went to Gatlinburg, TN for a mini-vacation. I got a tattoo on my right hip...I was mad at God...didn't want to be anywhere near His house on Mother's Day--couldn't think of it. I was so deeply hurting and I was convinced that things I had done in my past were so bad, that God was punishing me; that I had a big price to pay and that I'd never ever ever get to hear, "Mama, I love You".

--That's all for today. I'll be back tomorrow for Part II. Please leave some comments on your feelings about my post, if you'd like.
See you tomorrow!
Be Blessed!